This weekend I had planned a "Come Play with Us Party" for the girls. They invited a bunch of friends from school. A day before the party, I received 2 calls to schedule showings during the time of the party. I felt horrible cancelling the party so we moved the party to a local park. Although I couldn't get a hold of all the parents to let them know of the change, we had a good turn out.

Driving to the park, I began to notice A LOT of cars parked along the road. Who knew that it was "track and field" day for local schools in the park that morning??? We found a parking place and we began to unload for our play date. I forgot to mention that not only did I have my 4 children, we had one of Jena's friends with us and also 2 cats! I had to bring the cats since several showings were scheduled. Luckily the weather was nice and the cats really enjoy the outdoors even though they are not "outdoor cats."

The girls' friends began to show up and they enjoyed playing on the playground. It quickly warmed up and we served juice boxes and snacks. We planned to take pictures of each of the girls with their friends and share the photos with them. They were excited about doing this. It is a bittersweet feeling, excited about what is ahead of us and sadness leaving such incredible friendships.

We played game of "Duck, Duck, Goose," and we all laughed at Annie as she tried hard to play the game. Then I got the great idea of playing, "Red Rover." After a few children tried to break through our tightly held hands, my group called little Jackson, 3, over. Poor Jackson ran as fast as he could and clothes lined himself, flipping himself back on his head. Not such a smart idea. We quickly changed gears and played "Freeze Tag." Not too long after we began, I noticed that everyone was starting to slow down, and it was almost time to leave. Each of the girls' friends said their goodbyes and we began to pack up. The girls really enjoyed their time with their friends. I'm thankful that we decided to have the party instead of cancelling it.

This picture is from our going away party. After trying to get a good family photo, we decided to be a little bit silly, that's just kind of how we are anyhow!

Why Am I Still Here?

It has only been 2 weeks since Duane left to start his new job but some days it seems much longer than that. The stress of keeping a house clean enough for a walk-through at any given time is hard, but add to that, taking care of four children and helping them help me keep the house clean can wear on me most days.

Duane is trying to find housing for us and most avenues he has pursued have shown to be empty. It is hard to be here and not be able to help him find adequate housing for us. Our house here went up on the market several days ago and we are eagerly awaiting a call for a showing.

I have found myself struggling to sleep and also dealing with some really intense back pain. I've visited the chiropractor twice this week already and it is proving to be a relief! Yea! Anyhow, I recognize the days that are hardest are the days that I feel really disconnected from the Lord. When I talk with Duane he can sense it too. I try not to burden him with my struggles since he's got plenty of his own. But the separation is rough on us. The girls are dealing with it in their own way too. They can't wait to hear from him, yet when he talks with them, they act too nervous on the phone to talk. They are doing well in school though and I think it has been a great distractor for them.

Not knowing when we'll see Duane again is an emotional stress that weighs on us. I received a letter this week encouraging me to take some time to ask the Lord why He still has me here. I took it to heart and began asking the Lord "Why?" I feel like He gave me an answer yesterday.

I've been working on a bible study recently about the fruit of the Spirit. Lately, I have been studying peace. An example from Jesus' life is taken from John 11. This study makes several key points. In this passage, Jesus learns of Lazarus' death, yet He doesn't do anything for a few days. Martha and Mary both confront Jesus when they finally see Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

Jesus waited to come to them for a specific reason. He knew that Lazarus' death would show God's glory. (v.4) He had peace in the midst of this sorrow because He knew the outcome. He wanted to reveal three key things:

1. He wanted to reveal God's greater glory in raising Lazarus from the dead.

2. He wanted everyone to be void of any other explanations for this miracle. He waited 4 days before appearing on the scene because a widely held belief stated that a person's spirit stayed close to the body for three days. So waiting longer than three days would show them that there wasn't anything else to connect this miracle too other than the Lord.

3. He also waited until a crowd had gathered around the scene. Many people had joined Martha and Mary to mourn Lazarus' death. By waiting, more people would be present to witness this miracle and hence put their faith in Jesus because of it.


In praying over this passage, I began to recognize some similar things to my own situation. He wants to display His glory through our move. He's made it extremely clear that He's leading us to this new place and He isn't done working through it all.

He is waiting us out because He wants us to be without any other explanations. We won't be able to reason away what has happened, this is His doing ALONE.

Maybe He's pulling others alongside us for this time so that they can be strengthened in their belief in what the Lord can do in their life. We have both had some crazy conversations with people over this move. Some don't believe that God moves like this and they chalk it up to coincidence and others see the Lord at work and are encouraged to believe that the Lord does really still do things like this in our lives.

Last week, our pastor was talking about Peter from the bible. He was painting a picture of some of the disciples sitting around talking towards the end of their lives reminiscing about following Jesus. One disciple says, "Remember Thomas when you didn't believe Jesus was alive after His death and you had to put your finger in the holes of his hands to believe?" Then Thomas shouts out, "Yeah, remember Peter was always jumping out of boats to get to Jesus and thought he could walk on water?"

I started thinking about that picture. Peter desperately believed that he could get to Jesus so he took a step out over the boat and began to walk to Jesus. The entire time he had his eyes focused on Jesus he was fine but the moment he took his eyes off of Jesus and began looking around at the wind and waves crashing around him, he began to sink and cried out, "Lord, save me!" Peter took chances. He didn't play it safe. He knew His Savior wasn't "safe." Jesus asked Peter to do a lot of things that didn't make sense. Yet Peter was willing to lose everything because of his love for Jesus. I want the same thing. I'm so tired of staying dry. I don't want my life to count for nothing. I don't want people thinking, "Wow, now Maria, she's a safe one. She doesn't rock the boat, she's quiet and doesn't take many chances." NO!!!

I want to get wet. If that is what it takes to pursue my Lord, then I'm ready. I want my children to see their parents so in love with Jesus that nothing else in life matters more. I can't live this "comfortable life" anymore. Who cares where I live? Who cares what I wear? If that is what I am making my life demonstrate then shame on me. I'm pursuing the wrong things in life. I know that I am pursuing a God who isn't "safe," He's calling me to get out of my comfort zone, to wake up to what He's doing around me and to get involved in other's lives.

I see so many others are waking up to this. This life isn't about us. We've molded Christianity to what makes us feel good and it is sickening. Jesus wants us to be more than this. Get out and get wet, it is so refreshing!

Ripped In Two

Wow, I don't think I've experienced this feeling ever. Aside from the tragedy of our miscarriage, nothing else has prepared us for this separation. Duane has left for business trips before but this separation is wrenching me apart.

We've been trying to finish some big projects around the house, but working 12-14 hour days can slow a body down. Countless trips to the hardware store and dust everywhere, we're feeling the affects. Each room in the house has absorbed the chaos of these past few weeks. Surprisingly, the girls have handled this all very well. There have been a few tears and arguments but they are doing quite well.

Duane left this morning to fly to our "new life." I've been crying for too long these past 2 days. My eyes hurt. I asked him how he was doing and he responded, "I'm really sad and a bit overwhelmed." I was doing OK this morning until he gave me a hug and then later I found him with tears streaming down his face. It is so hard this time because of what this signifies. Our lives are flipping upside down with this move. Everything we've know for the past five years, our house, our friendships, our church is going to change.

Not knowing when I will see him again makes it harder to say "goodbye." I was sobbing driving home from the airport and I heard Annie say, "You OK Momma?" Oh my heart hurts when I see my children looking at me with concern.

Duane starts his new job tomorrow morning with New Balance. It really has been a testimony to God's goodness. He shouldn't even be considered for this position without shoe designing experience, let alone be placed in the "Elite Running Group." God's favor is on this, on Duane. I'm so thankful to see Duane happy again and excited about what this job will bring.

For the past 2 1/2 years, Duane has had a horrible bout with IBS. We've seen several doctors, he's been on a few medications, we've changed his diet too, but it hasn't changed that much. We've spent so much time in prayer for him. At the beginning of his struggle, he'd lost 20 lbs in 2 months. Not quite the weight-loss plan he should be on.

Recently, Duane began to loose more weight. His cheeks are sunken in and his pants hang on his thin body. I can see all his ribs and can make out his entire pelvic bone! Fear began again in me, why was he wasting away again? He experienced quite a bit of back-lash at work and decided after we got the "official word" from New Balance that it was time to give his notice. It couldn't have been a better time. He struggled more those past 2 weeks with his IBS and we began to wonder and pray if the IBS was attributed to the stress at work.

Duane has had the past 2 weeks off and we've been working non-stop on the house and not once has he had an issue with his IBS! We believe that the majority of his issues with IBS these past few years have been stress induced and now we can pin-point a specific time they began. We've been so thankful for God's healing this past month.

Although my much better half is gone, I trust that the Lord is leading us through this. He never promised us that this transition would be easy and I know that He'll give us both strength to preserve.

Time To Head East

It's official. We are moving east to Boston.


"Don't you know how expensive it is out there?"

"You don't have any family there?"

"It's an extremely liberal state!"

"Don't you know they legalized homosexual marriages there?"

Let's back up about 2 months.

Duane had already had an interview with New Balance and we were awaiting a call from them to set up a second interview. One weekend, we spent looking online for churches and at the price of houses in the area. I have a "fleece" about churches. I'm always looking for Vineyards or a church that we can connect with other people. I found several but it would be a long commute. We subscribe to a magazine called Relevant Magazine. Their site: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/ offers a link to area churches. On the site people who have visited these churches or attend them, these churches all boast a more contemporary feel and cater to young adults and young families, can write reviews. After reading several favorable reviews of one in particular I went to their website. Duane and I watched a video message from the pastor. At the end, I was crying. Their heart for the community was so evident and their desire to grow as a church knowing and loving Jesus spoke strongly to us. http://gracepointne.org/about-us.htm

The very next Monday, the girls had swim lessons. I sat on a bench to watch and another mother and her young son came and sat near us. We began talking and I found out she was in town here to visit her parents. She grew up in Wichita and her family had just relocated from Denver to Virginia. At the mention of "relocated" I found myself telling her about Duane's interview and the fact that we'd been praying about this. She smiled and began to tell me that she and her husband had some really good friends that lived in Boston. "In fact," she said, "they pastor a church called Grace Chapel in an area called Andover." I started to laugh. I told her that we'd been online looking at churches in that area but I wasn't sure that was the church. Anyhow, we spent the rest of the time talking about Wichita and her move to Virginia.

I was excited to tell Duane about this conversation. "Can you believe how crazy that is Duane? What are the chances that she'd know someone in Andover?" (To give an idea how small the town is: the town of Andover's website states in a 2000 census the population was 31,247.)

Duane looked at me and said, "Don't you think that this is the Lord, Maria?"

Me: "What? No, that too weird, don't you think?"

Then it hit me...it was the Lord speaking very clearly to me. I had been praying that the Lord would show me clearly that this was the direction He was leading us in. I was so anxious to talk with my new friend, Rachel, the next day.

We met Tuesday morning and the first thing out of her mouth is:

"Maria, I told you that the church was Grace Chapel and that is wrong, it is Grace Point."

I began to cry.

How much more specific could the Lord be?

The pastor of Grace Point, Steve, grew up with Rachel's husband and their families were very close. They remain very close to this day. Rachel contacted Jenny, Steve's wife, and shared with her our conversation. Jenny has been emailing me these past 2 months telling me about the area and sharing about the church they've felt led to pastor.

Fast-forward to today...it is the Lord leading us and I am very confident of it.

Yes, the cost of living is 31% more expensive than Wichita. The housing is 112% higher.

No, we don't have any family nearby. Closest family to us is 13 hours away.

It is an extremely liberal state but that doesn't scare me.

Of course they allow homosexual marriages. Although I may not agree with that type of lifestyle I still love people that choose to live that way. Didn't Jesus? Doesn't He still?


We know that only 1% of the population considers themselves evangelical Christians. But isn't that the best place to be?

I'm leaving the "bible belt" of the U.S. I have experienced tremendous growth in my walk with Jesus in the 5 years I have been here. So has Duane. We were brought to a safe place to be nurtured for a time before the Lord leads us to the next stage of our lives.

We're ready. Our family is ready.

Although these past 2 weeks have been a battle for us, we are still confident that this is where He wants us. We are leaving "family" behind here in Wichita. We were given a word when we first moved here that the Lord wanted to knit us in as a family. I didn't believe it at the time. I barely knew anyone, let alone the fact, I didn't want to make myself that available to anyone here. But God began to break pride in me. He began to show me incredible friendships, people we have spend many holidays with, Forth of July, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. When family couldn't visit or we couldn't travel our friends joined us we have celebrated birthdays and holidays together.

Isn't that the definition of community?

Many times I find myself crying at the craziest times but I know the Lord is allowing me time to grieve our loss. But I also find myself anticipating what our life will be like in Boston. I want to be excited about the place He is taking us to. I want to be prepared for what is ahead. I want my eyes fixed on Him, not on my circumstances and I have found myself falling into that quite often the past few days.

I see enormous mountains ahead of us, so big that I can't even see the summit. How are they going to be moved? He's big enough to do it and I am learning to trust Him to move them instead of freaking out and trying to find my way around the bottom of them.

In all this I am so thankful that He's there with us. He's with you too.

Annie's Faith

For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me.

Matthew 18:2-4 (The Message)

I Got Bit By A Bug!

I did get bit by a bug on Monday...the creative bug that is.

Recently, Ruby has taken to untying the ties to her crib bumper pad. Unfortunately, in the untying process, the ribbon has started to unravel. I would pull her away and tell her "No," and then she'd do it again. One morning before church, I went in to pick her up and found the ribbon had frayed and was wrapped in tiny strands around her head! I freaked out and began cutting the ribbon off the pad. So then she had a bumper pad that couldn't stay tied to the crib. This, of course, necessitated a trip to the fabric store.

So with 4 little ones in tow, I drove off to the store to pick up some heavy duty, unfraying ties for her bumper pad. I chose a nice thick bias tape and as we were walking around the fabrics the girls asked if I could make them a blanket. I have already made them blankets and at the time they were pointing to fleece. If anyone knows what the weather has been like out here, they'd know that we've been in the 100 degree mark most of the week. Who wants to snuggle up with a fleece blanket in this weather? Ok, maybe my girls but I talked them out of another blanket and we settled on a pillow.

They chose coordinating fabrics, my rule was that it had to somewhat match their bedspreads. This took A LONG TIME to find. Anyhow, after they chose their fabrics, we found pillow stuffing and we set off to find the next project.

Earlier this school year, Jena brought home two crafts she'd made in Art class, her favorite class, by the way. I was so impressed with the craft that I actually kept it, (shh, don't tell not everything gets kept) and I hung them on her wall. But as their styles have changed, they really don't know what they want their room to look like, I have decided that the crafts would look good in Ruby and Annie's rooms. Lucky me the frames I found were half off that day.

We loaded back up after purchasing our projects and headed home. At rest time I started the projects. Ruby's ties went on quite easily.

She seemed to be happy that the pad was up, since she crawled over to a tie and tried to untie it. Ha, ha, momma is smarter now and just tied it in a knot, not a pretty little bow this time.

The crafts went easily into their new frames and I hung each above the girls' cribs. The elephant went above Ruby's crib and the giraffe hangs above Annie's crib. Annie signs giraffe everytime she gets in bed now.

Jena and Paige's pillows took more time since the fabric needed washing, pressing, cutting and then finally sewed together. They were really happy.

Annie on the other hand didn't understand why the girls got new pillows and she didn't have anything to hold. With the extra material from Paige's pillow, I surprised Annie and made her a sling for her baby. She loves it and it makes me proud that I did it all by myself. Annie thought she was hot stuff since she looks like mommy does in her sling with baby Ruby.

I'm glad I got bit by the creative bug this week. I was feeling like I don't do much to nurture my little creative side and it was nice to see the work all come together, even if it is just little work.

A Day in My Life

I got this idea from my sister-in-law, Jenny. Quite often Jenny will take a camera around with her documenting her day. I thought that I would give it a try. I didn't get very far. I will say, "Kudos" to Jenny for her diligence in giving so many of her readers a great view into one of her days. I, on the other hand, can only give you about a third of my day! I got a bit too distracted and completely forgot most of the day. Here goes:

Breakfast began at 8am. I served up scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, bananas and milk. I will say not every breakfast is quite this big of an affair, but at least once or twice a week, the girls are given a special big breakfast. They gobbled their food up quickly!

Even little Ruby anxiously awaits her rice cereal now. Breakfast prep certainly takes longer than it used to. But Ruby somehow understands her wait and smiles while Mommy prepares the meal.

Most mornings over the past 4 weeks have been rushing around to do early morning chores before heading out the door for swim lessons. The girls are on their last week of lessons and I think they are doing a great job keeping up! They have made new friends and love their teachers. They will be sad when the lessons are over. But each day are eager to share what they worked on.

Before lessons they spend 15-20 minutes working on their summer lessons. They are working through a workbook to review and prepare them for the upcoming school year. Annie even has one, shh, we don't tell her it is just a Dora coloring book. Mommy has to grade hers just like she does the girls! After each 2 week review the girls choose a goal to work towards. Their first session included an ice cream cone. This session they are working towards a smoothie from Starbucks. They just have 3 days left of this session and they are eager to get their smoothies!

As stated before we have morning chores before we can head out the door. Generally it has been only me that has the chores but this summer we've spread the love! The girls have their own chore charts and are very willing to help me out! They certainly are old enough to help out, even Annie can do a few. Here is my typical list for the week. I have found a dry-erase board helps me throughout the week keep everything in order.

Speaking of chores: Mondays are laundry days. Generally speaking I have anywhere from 6-10 loads of laundry to wash. Those 10 load Mondays usually stretch out to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday laundry days. But I am happy to report I finished all 6 loads yesterday, I was up till 11:30pm folding and putting clothes away but boy am I proud of myself for getting it all done!

In the midst of all those chores, we made a date with Duane to have lunch. We picked him up after swim lessons and ate at Planet Sub. After lunch with daddy and spotting some turtles in the pond next to the sub shop, we headed off to Target to purchase a few items. We made it home in time for nap time. All the girls fell fast asleep and I got to have some quiet time to myself. I just started a new study by Beth Moore on the fruits of the Spirit.

After a dinner of yummy ravioli, our favorite crunchy bread and a huge salad, I drove over to Lowes to pick up some blinds for the dining room. I spent the better part of an hour getting 5 blinds cut to fit our abnormal windows. After paying for the blinds and seeing that I had spent enough money for 2 weeks worth of groceries, the cashier pointed out that I was eligible for a $25 rebate. SCORE! We'll hold on to that rebate to use next time we're at Lowes, which will be very soon. In the midst of this weekend. We began a project we'd started some time ago, trim work. All of our trim in the house was painted a flat off-white, it looks like someone has smoked next to it. So in order to look better, we decided to paint all of it. Duane is painstakingly taking off all the hardware, boiling the paint off and spray painting it all black. It will look incredible when it is all done. He is definitely the one to pay attention to the details, me, not so much.

We took about an hour and a half to hang these 3 blinds. They make the room look so different, today we will hang the other 2 blinds and put up the black hardware. It is coming along, finally!

Exhausted I fall into bed at midnight and read a bit to make my mind fall asleep! Waking at 7am the next day begins the day all over!

Swim Lessons

SWIM LESSONS!!!

Jena and Paige at the pool

We signed the girls up for swim lessons this summer. They got a new swimsuit and towel to make the week a bit brighter! In their own words they've learned how to do "front floats, back floats, front glides, kicks and nose bubbles." My pride has grown watching them both conquer a new skill they will use the rest of their life. In the midst of these first two weeks, I have met and become friends with another mother whose children were also taking lessons.

Jena, Annie, Maria, Ruby and Paige

Last week, they thought that they were done but we slipped another 2 weeks in on them! Duane had a day off last week and was able to join us for lessons and fun in the park.

Jena, Ruby, Duane, Annie and Paige

Afterwards, as an incentive for them, we took them to one of our favorite restaurants in town, a little cafe', and we treated them to lunch. After lunch, Duane surprised them by buying them each a chocolate covered strawberry. Annie thought that it was delicious!Annie and her monkey

This Post is For My Mom!

Don't you just want to nibble on those toes?

Ruby is 6 months old and how amazing that time has gone by this fast! Part of the reason I haven't blogged lately is that I am trying HARD to keep up with my girls. I was just praying yesterday that I would be able to be one step ahead of them instead of always feeling like I am lagging behind!

Since it has been awhile, the name of the chapter of this season of my life, I thought it would be fun to post some silly things that have happened around the Marshall household. This video was taken of Annie who had swallowed some "yucky water" in the bathtub. Her expressions and the way she tries to explain what happened make this video so funny to me.

This next video highlights Paige singing her "ABC's" and little Annie just had to sing along. (Annie calls her "PB" at the end of the video!)

Just a few weeks before the end of school, Jena's teacher called one night to see if we'd be willing to babysit for her while she went out of town for the weekend. Here is what she brought over: 2 boxes of plants from the 1st graders' class. The students were engaging in a unit in science about plants. They had each planted their own seeds and had been taking care of them over the past few weeks. We were given the very important job of watering and caring for these plants over the long Memorial Day weekend. Jena wasn't so proud to say that all the plants had survived but not her own. She had been "touching" her plant when it came out, roots and all. We saved the day by planting some new seeds in her container to make up for the tradegy.

I had to throw this one in just for myself. Duane came home one night with a box of Drumsticks and we have a long running joke about Drumsticks so I was so excited to see the box. When I pulled my cone out this is what I found! It looked like it had a face!

One of the last weeks of school Jena had a spirit week. During Decade's Day she wanted to dress up like a girl from the 80's. She has no idea really what that means but she had fun nonetheless. Paige had to have her hair in a side pony-tail for preschool that day too.

Before the end of school, we celebrated Easter. It was a beautiful morning but oh, so cold! Never mind coats for pictures! New outfits that match thanks to Mimi! Ruby wasn't in these photos since it was around freezing that day!

Before the offical last day of school for Jena, Paige graduated from preschool. We were so proud of her and I had to fight back my tears. I cannot believe that she enters kindergarten in the fall! They had a ceremony for the parents and graduates. Paige proudly holds her certificate after the ceremony but right before the best part: DESSERTS!

Just before we end, I need to share the most amazing thing to happen this spring: DUANE TURNED 30! We celebrated quietly with a family dinner and cake! The girls thought that it was great that we got to make a cake and his favorite dinner for him. Unfortunately we couldn't fit 30 candles on his cake but they got to help him blow them out and that's all that really matters for them.

We've had a long spring and cannot believe that it is already summer. We look forward to all the fun to be experienced this next season and hopefully we remember to have the camera ready!

2008 Birthday Parties

So, I've neglected to post pics of all the birthday parties we've had this year. Here goes...just a few of the girls with their birthday cakes and candles.

Jena turned 7 in January, this is a birthday celebration with family, a homemade cake decorated with little pet shop animals. She had another party with some of her girl friends. They showed up at our house at 9am, dressed in their pjs and we had a "slumber party." We snacked on muffins and fruit. The girls piled on sleeping bags and listened to a "bedtime story." They decorated pillow cases to take home with them and they seemed to really enjoyed themselves.

Annie turned 2 in February. We had a small group of friends over to celebrate with her. We began practicing blowing out candles several days before her big day. She was a champ. She was a little concerned about everyone singing but I think that she loved it.

Paige turned 5 in May. We celebrated by having a "puppy party" for her and some of her girl friends. The kids wore puppy ears and had their faces painted like doggies. They got to eat a snack of puppy chow on the floor like real dogs. They also had a chance to make dog collars. Her cupcakes had a puppy paw on them too!

Duane turned the big 3-0 this year. He got a blender for his birthday! What a great time...Duane swears that he isn't into birthday celebrations so I didn't plan anything. I feel like a loser now because of it. Maybe next year will make up for it. Recently, he bought himself a new bike and I'd like to think that it is part of his birthday present!

I had a birthday too, but let's not talk about my age.

Have I Misunderstood You?

He (God) knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because he knows the glory will be worth it. God will risk being misunderstood.
-Beth Moore, Stepping Up


If ever there was a week that I needed to read those words it would be this one.

This has been one of the roughest weeks I have experienced in a long while. Yesterday, as I walked throughout the house, I felt a presence whispering lies to me about who I am and about my abilities as a mother and a wife. As I escaped to the backyard for some quiet time, I found myself shaking with tears. Where had all this come from?

The past few months have been a lesson in trusting the Lord when I don't hear Him speaking. The things that clog my mind go deeper than I have realized. Obviously, His Word cannot spell out every specific detail of our lives. The Bible would be enormous if it did, something that couldn't fit in my home, for sure! Following Him on a deeper level requires that I spend time in His Word refreshing myself. Trusting Him that He's given me a sound mind, the mind of Christ, and I am able to make right choices.

So, have I misunderstood Him?

In another book, a main character travels throughout a journey and finds that she must decide if she can follow the Shepherd even if it looks like He has asked her to sacrifice something He had given her, her own life. Did she understand Him correctly? She found that she had and it didn't make any sense to her at the time. Afterwards, she knew that He had led her through this journey to strengthen her, to mold her character, to increase her faith.

In Romans 8:28-39, God shares some big things He will do for us. He makes sure that all things work together for our good. He calls us according to His purpose. He is for us, not against us! Jesus says that He intercedes for us at God's right hand. He will make us conquerors through Jesus. He goes to great lengths to make sure that nothing separates us from His love. What incredible things to say! Why would Someone make those great boasts if He wasn't going to follow through on them? Can He be trusted?

That's what I am trying to figure out. The mystery of God is one of the things that draws me to Him. I don't have Him figured out. I don't want to figure Him out. What good would my life be if I knew everything about the Lord?

So despite the struggles of this week, I know that I can lay them at His feet, struggle after struggle, many times throughout the day. He picks them up and does with them as He wills. It isn't my burden to keep carrying. Although for so long, I have thought that it was. My God is my Burden-Carrier. He defends my cause, because I am weak.


1 Corinthians 1:25 says:
For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Lately, I find myself crying throughout the day. Something must be going on inside for me to respond to everyday happenings this way.

Just this morning, as I was going through the mail, I ran across a study I've been wanting to start. As I flipped open the back cover my breath was taken away as I read that there were only 6 weeks to the study. I started crying. Why? I feel so full of emotion lately that it expresses itself in weird ways in me. Partly, I was crying because I was just giving my mom excuses why I shouldn't start this study and she called me out on it and told me to do it. Mothers have a way with their children that no one else does.

I've been battling in my dreams the past few nights too. Horrific things are happening in my dreams and I don't wake up feeling refreshed. Whatever else is going on right now is expressing itself in tears. Throughout the day they come and I think that they are trying to refresh me. They certainly are a great reminder to see where I am getting my "refreshment" from. It is easy to get my fill on my family or friends.

I must be really tired too. I drove to the pediatricians' office this morning for an appointment that I should have gone to last Friday. Oh well...

The Lord says that he grants sleep to those He loves, (Psalm 127:2) I am looking forward to my sleep tonight!

Sure Has Been a Long Time

It definitely has been a long time since I last posted but I think it has something to do with schedules...or at least I will allow myself to believe that is the real reason I haven't posted. Honestly, I don't feel like I have much to write about. Sure stuff happens and I think, "I should write about that." But in light of what I have witnessed others battling lately, it doesn't seem worth it to me.

Hence today.

In the middle of the night I was wakened to the sound of our 3 month old crying. She has been sleeping through the night for several weeks now and it is really out of the ordinary for her to wake up. But in my groggy state I looked at the clock to remember that the last time she nursed was at 4:30pm and it was 3:00am! She had slept a long time. No worries on my part. I don't mind getting up anymore. Maybe having 3 others before has conditioned me to realize it isn't about me anymore. Plus, I think that she is our last and I want to treasure these times, even if it is at 3:00am.

I'd be lying if I said that not much has been happening around here. There is a lot to deal with, focus on and pray about. I can't carry it all by myself and I feel the Lord leading me to really lay things down before Him. He is so much bigger than me and can easily carry my concerns and fears. Comfort has come through this time. Just the other day we received word from my sister-in-law that she had a prophetic dream about us. Scripture has confirmed lessons Duane and I are learning. In talking with Duane last night we both have begun to realize that even sermons lately we've heard at church and through pod casts have been SO relevant to what we are going through, we'd be completely dense to miss what the Lord is doing.

I don't ever want to be a point in my life where I've stopped recognizing God's voice. How hopeless. I know that I have to do my part in seeking Him and reading His word to protect myself from getting to that point. Some days it is hard to do that. It certainly isn't an easy life to live following Him. But I feel whole in doing it.

No matter what our future holds God knows it. I don't have to worry about it. I don't want to be complacent either. I want to be alive, to be challenged to grow. In seeking Him I know that those things will happen. His leading is rarely through the easy path, sometimes I don't want to get thorns in my feet and scratched up along the way but I see Him leading and that is the way He goes and I am trying to keep up.

A Lesson I learned from my daughter

As we were enjoying lunch together Paige began our conversation by asking why my parents' dog, Levi, had to die. Paige, just like any other 4 year-old, has been obsessed with learning as much as she can about death lately. I explained to her that Levi was very old and extremely sick and in a lot of pain and he died. (There is more to this story but I thought best to spare her the details.)

She looked at me and said, "Like Grandpa Ken?" I was horrified that she thought my father would die just like the dog did. When they visited a few weeks ago he became very sick and was in bed almost the entire time they were here. I tried to explain to her that he had a virus and a really bad headache and fever but it didn't mean that he would die.

Thankfully she accepted my explanation. I thought our conversation was over until she said, "Mommy, do you have to wear your pajamas all day and all night?" I looked at my clothes and thought, "I know that I don't look that great today but does she really think that I slept in these clothes?" Puzzled, I asked, "What do you mean Paige?"

"I mean when you are in heaven. Do you have to wear your pjs all day?"

I tried to hide my smile. She was serious.

"Sweetheart, I am not really sure what we will wear when we get to heaven. I don't think that it will really matter that much to us because we will be with Jesus."

"What will we talk about with Him?" she asked. "Will we be up in the clouds with Him and God talking?"

I didn't really know how to answer her. There is so much about heaven that I don't understand and these were very serious questions that she was wanting answers to. I'd be a liar if I said that sometimes I don't have similar questions like my daughter's.

"What are we going to do for eternity? Can I worship God that long?"

My attention span is so limited. I find myself focused on petty things in worship or during my quiet times. How can the God of this universe have patience with me? He is so enormous and I am so small. I don't understand Him.

I don't think that I am supposed to understand Him fully. If I did where would mystery of Who He is be? What would my faith rest on? Why would I need to trust Him?

Some big decisions have been weighing on us lately and I find myself continually coming before the Lord asking Him to direct us. I don't want to make any decision without His leading. Yesterday He showed me just how big He is in order to show me that He is God. He alone is able to be trusted with my life. He is in complete control and I have to trust Him no matter if the decision He leads us to doesn't make sense right now. He knows our future, He is the One I need to trust to lead me into it.

My New Friends Need to Leave

Lately, I have found myself in a strange spot. Contentment has taken up residence in my home. He came in sometime while I was not looking and made himself comfortable on my couch. He strides around looking for other rooms to relax in. Not only has he invaded my home but he has invaded certain areas of my heart too.

I don't quite remember when he crept in but he has been hiding himself for some time now. I see it in the way I do housework. I see it in the way I am finally relaxing enough to start decorating my home. Maybe I am just tired enough that I am not as uptight as I used to be. Contentment has other friends I have found.

Laziness. This is a friend that I just abhor ed when I first met him. I didn't understand how anyone could ever invite this slob in. He is apathetic about everything that concerns others. He says, "I'll get to that later." He doesn't mind a mess or an errand that needs done. He cannot see that anything could be so pressing that it needs to "get done now."

These friends brought another one along that I have begun to confront lately. I am tired of his shenanigans. He tries to play with my children and I don't want them making friends with him. Fear. Why keep company with him? What good does he bring? He is a downer too. There is no life in him so that's why I've told him to leave and don't ever think about coming back because he isn't welcome.

I know that they'll invite more of their friends over if I don't keep close tabs on them. The more they bring the harder it is to control them.

"A Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God planned for him or her." -Beth Moore, from her book, Breaking Free

What other areas am I held captive to? I see these things coming up each time I am forced to step out of my "comfort level." I am entering into a new season in my life that I know will require me to take more steps outside of myself and trust the Lord.

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4

He wants to act on my behalf but he's waiting on me to wait on him. Wasn't He trustworthy in the past? Of course! Why can't I trust Him for the present, what about the future? It is the hold that these so called "friends" have on my life. They get extremely jealous too if I spend more time with one over the other. I'm tired of trying to please these "friends", they just need to leave!

So I am "spring cleaning" my life and ridding myself of the friends that don't bring life to my life!

A Community

Last night we celebrated Annie's 2nd birthday with friends. As I floated throughout our home, I was reminded of why we initiatially we were all brought together. All in all we had 27 people, children and babies included. Five years ago we would not have hosted such a group in our home. We didn't know many of these friends. Over the past 3 years many of our friendships have flourished.

We've witnessed healings, broken addictions, marriages restored, diseases, brokeness, losses, births (Norah, Annie, Addy, Kyle and Ruby), financial gains and losses, and job changes. We've shared the mundane. We've experienced the highs. We've laughed together over really ridiculous things, cried over extremely sad things, fought over dumb things and matured in wonderful ways...in short we've experienced life together.

As I think over our group of friends, we've gained something from each of them that has caused us to become a better person. Community. It is defined in some places as: (having) similar character; agreement; identity. What is it that pulls us together?

Our identity in Jesus.

"Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." (Acts 2:46-47)

My one regret in this community is that I don't pray more for my friends. It is extremely easy to say, "I'll pray for you," but how much more meaningful to actually do it. Forgive me for not taking more time when we are together to pray for you.

Much of this post stems from what I witness what my brother and sister-in-law are experiencing. Though they are 800+ miles away, my heart is renching in sorrow for their community. Their best friends have experienced a tremendous loss and it aches me to hear how broken they are. Eight hundred miles cannot shake the community I have with them. My mind has been in prayer for them so often that I almost feel as if I am near them. I know that is because of Jesus.

No matter what the community experiences, the members are bound by a greater Thread. Expereience life together without the superficiality of the world and it changes people. Those who don't know Jesus will see something different and want to be a part of it.

"All the believers were together and had everything in common." (Acts 2:44)

Real Heroes

No matter who you plan on voting for, it is really important to remember the men and women who are really the ones protecting so many others and our country.

http://www.flashdemo.net/gallery/wake/index.htm

Funny Joke

Reading my sister-in-laws' blog tonight reminded me that I wrote down three great things I heard come from Paige today and I cannot wait to share them.

While she and Annie were coloring on the floor today, she continually had to ask Annie to share the crayons. Annie doesn't know how to distinguish between certain colors so eventually she got tired of handing the box of crayons over to Paige and dumped the crayons on the floor. Paige smiled really big at her and exclaimed: "Annie had a great idea thinking in her head!" She was really proud of her little sister for solving their problem.


After breakfast this morning, Paige asked, "Mommy, what are you and daddy the boss of at church?" I told her I didn't understand what she was asking and then she said, "Well, what are you the boss of at church? Miss Debbie (our children's pastor's wife) is the boss who says you can't bring toys to church, what are you the boss of?"


After preschool today, Paige was dying to share a joke she learned: "What does the lamb eat for lunch?"
"Baaa-loon-y!" She thought it was hysterical! I love to see her enjoy life and laugh!

RUBY GRACE

ANNOUNCING RUBY GRACE!

Ruby Grace made her appearance into our family on December 28Th at 10:11am. She weighed 6 pounds 4.5 ounces and measured 18 inches long. What a fulfillment of the past 9 months that moment became. I will not say that labor was easy because that would be a horrific lie. It was the single most painful thing I have ever experienced but I would do it again in a heartbeat to experience that moment all over again.

Watching Duane's face and hearing him muffle in my ear, "There she is, Maria, I can see her," brings me to tears just like it did at that moment. There certainly was a lot of drama involved with her delivery and I had to push as hard as ever to get her out. Sobbing through that moment and trying to remember to breathe through it all was pretty surreal moment as my husband, doctor, nurse and resident all rally around me encouraging me to continue what I started.

We had a chance to pray after that moment to thank the Lord for bringing her to us healthy and so beautiful. I relished the moment, so thankful for the ordeal our doctor went through to make me his patient, the nurses for their encouragement and the pediatric nurses watching over Ruby. Most of all I was thankful to share this time with Duane. Birthing his daughters has been the most important thing I have done in my 30 years.

I couldn't wait for the girls to come to see Ruby. They had wanted a brother but they were so excited when they got to see and hold little Ruby.

I don't think that Annie knew really what to do with her but she'd seen Jena and Paige holding her and didn't want to be left out.

Here is a short video Duane took of us just moments after delivery as I get to hold Ruby for the first time: (Please forgive me, I hadn't had a chance to redo my make-up!)

We have been blessed with an incredible family. We are so thankful for all our girls. No, we weren't hoping for a boy and no, we won't keep trying till we have one, unless the Lord shows us otherwise!

Thank you all who have prayed for us, brought us a meal or a sweet little gift for Ruby. You have our hearts and we are so thankful for your love!

The Girls' Christmas Wish Lists

Like my friend Jamie, I wanted to record the girls' Christmas wish lists. Written tonight, Christmas Eve... (seems a bit late to most, but they are holding out hope for these lists!)



Jena writes:

I want:
1. Chapter Books
2. Littestest Pet Shop
3. Stafft aminals (Stuffed animals)
4. Viteo games
5. Snow hat and glaves (Because she happened to misplace the ones Mommy bought for her last week.)

From,
Jena



Paige dictates to me:

I want butterflies for Christmas. I like unicorns, horses, dogs and cats. I want a golden retriever.

Love,
Paige


Annie doesn't have a clue about what is about to happen tomorrow morning but I am sure she would have placed her order too if she understood!


We've begun a tradition of opening one present on Christmas Eve night before bed. The girls were besides themselves trying to decide which one to choose. So I suggested that they open one from Daddy and Mommy. The girls both opened theirs. They were really excited to see what it was. We'd decided to get the girls their own bible this year. Their bibles have been pretty beat up these past few years. We read the account of Jesus' birth in Paige's The Message Version for 4-8 years olds. In the morning we will read the account in Luke 2 out of Jena's Young Women's Bible. She was really excited about having a bible that didn't have pictures in it!

Beginning the season like this is really important for us. We've cut back on the amount of stuff we are giving the girls this year for many reasons and are trying very hard to instill in them the real reason for celebrating Christmas: Jesus' purpose in coming to Earth, not just a cute story of a little innocent babe but of a Savior that wanted to give up everything He had to live among us and die for us to make a way for our salvation.

We are hoping that this time is satisfying in that despite what we "think" Christmas should be about, we are trying to focus on what His birth on earth really meant for humanity. Interestingly, Paige's bible had a devotion at the end of the story and it asked, "What would you do if Mary and Joseph came to your house that night to birth Jesus? Would you have let them stay at your house?" Then another question: "If you had a chance to see Baby Jesus who would you tell?"

After Duane read those questions, we had a knock at the door, it was almost 9pm! We all looked at each other and Duane said, "What if it is someone to deliver a baby? Should we welcome them?" The girls were speechless. Instead of someone wanting to deliver a baby, it was some friends of our who are really starting to investigate who Jesus is. We've been praying for them and watching what the Lord is doing in their lives, it was such a great moment for our girls to witness. God is really good. Sometimes His gifts come in different packages than what we imagine but we still have an incredible chance to enjoy what He has put in front of us!

From our family, we hope you and your family have an incredible Christmas, celebrating Jesus this year!