This weekend I had planned a "Come Play with Us Party" for the girls. They invited a bunch of friends from school. A day before the party, I received 2 calls to schedule showings during the time of the party. I felt horrible cancelling the party so we moved the party to a local park. Although I couldn't get a hold of all the parents to let them know of the change, we had a good turn out.

Driving to the park, I began to notice A LOT of cars parked along the road. Who knew that it was "track and field" day for local schools in the park that morning??? We found a parking place and we began to unload for our play date. I forgot to mention that not only did I have my 4 children, we had one of Jena's friends with us and also 2 cats! I had to bring the cats since several showings were scheduled. Luckily the weather was nice and the cats really enjoy the outdoors even though they are not "outdoor cats."

The girls' friends began to show up and they enjoyed playing on the playground. It quickly warmed up and we served juice boxes and snacks. We planned to take pictures of each of the girls with their friends and share the photos with them. They were excited about doing this. It is a bittersweet feeling, excited about what is ahead of us and sadness leaving such incredible friendships.

We played game of "Duck, Duck, Goose," and we all laughed at Annie as she tried hard to play the game. Then I got the great idea of playing, "Red Rover." After a few children tried to break through our tightly held hands, my group called little Jackson, 3, over. Poor Jackson ran as fast as he could and clothes lined himself, flipping himself back on his head. Not such a smart idea. We quickly changed gears and played "Freeze Tag." Not too long after we began, I noticed that everyone was starting to slow down, and it was almost time to leave. Each of the girls' friends said their goodbyes and we began to pack up. The girls really enjoyed their time with their friends. I'm thankful that we decided to have the party instead of cancelling it.

This picture is from our going away party. After trying to get a good family photo, we decided to be a little bit silly, that's just kind of how we are anyhow!

Why Am I Still Here?

It has only been 2 weeks since Duane left to start his new job but some days it seems much longer than that. The stress of keeping a house clean enough for a walk-through at any given time is hard, but add to that, taking care of four children and helping them help me keep the house clean can wear on me most days.

Duane is trying to find housing for us and most avenues he has pursued have shown to be empty. It is hard to be here and not be able to help him find adequate housing for us. Our house here went up on the market several days ago and we are eagerly awaiting a call for a showing.

I have found myself struggling to sleep and also dealing with some really intense back pain. I've visited the chiropractor twice this week already and it is proving to be a relief! Yea! Anyhow, I recognize the days that are hardest are the days that I feel really disconnected from the Lord. When I talk with Duane he can sense it too. I try not to burden him with my struggles since he's got plenty of his own. But the separation is rough on us. The girls are dealing with it in their own way too. They can't wait to hear from him, yet when he talks with them, they act too nervous on the phone to talk. They are doing well in school though and I think it has been a great distractor for them.

Not knowing when we'll see Duane again is an emotional stress that weighs on us. I received a letter this week encouraging me to take some time to ask the Lord why He still has me here. I took it to heart and began asking the Lord "Why?" I feel like He gave me an answer yesterday.

I've been working on a bible study recently about the fruit of the Spirit. Lately, I have been studying peace. An example from Jesus' life is taken from John 11. This study makes several key points. In this passage, Jesus learns of Lazarus' death, yet He doesn't do anything for a few days. Martha and Mary both confront Jesus when they finally see Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

Jesus waited to come to them for a specific reason. He knew that Lazarus' death would show God's glory. (v.4) He had peace in the midst of this sorrow because He knew the outcome. He wanted to reveal three key things:

1. He wanted to reveal God's greater glory in raising Lazarus from the dead.

2. He wanted everyone to be void of any other explanations for this miracle. He waited 4 days before appearing on the scene because a widely held belief stated that a person's spirit stayed close to the body for three days. So waiting longer than three days would show them that there wasn't anything else to connect this miracle too other than the Lord.

3. He also waited until a crowd had gathered around the scene. Many people had joined Martha and Mary to mourn Lazarus' death. By waiting, more people would be present to witness this miracle and hence put their faith in Jesus because of it.


In praying over this passage, I began to recognize some similar things to my own situation. He wants to display His glory through our move. He's made it extremely clear that He's leading us to this new place and He isn't done working through it all.

He is waiting us out because He wants us to be without any other explanations. We won't be able to reason away what has happened, this is His doing ALONE.

Maybe He's pulling others alongside us for this time so that they can be strengthened in their belief in what the Lord can do in their life. We have both had some crazy conversations with people over this move. Some don't believe that God moves like this and they chalk it up to coincidence and others see the Lord at work and are encouraged to believe that the Lord does really still do things like this in our lives.

Last week, our pastor was talking about Peter from the bible. He was painting a picture of some of the disciples sitting around talking towards the end of their lives reminiscing about following Jesus. One disciple says, "Remember Thomas when you didn't believe Jesus was alive after His death and you had to put your finger in the holes of his hands to believe?" Then Thomas shouts out, "Yeah, remember Peter was always jumping out of boats to get to Jesus and thought he could walk on water?"

I started thinking about that picture. Peter desperately believed that he could get to Jesus so he took a step out over the boat and began to walk to Jesus. The entire time he had his eyes focused on Jesus he was fine but the moment he took his eyes off of Jesus and began looking around at the wind and waves crashing around him, he began to sink and cried out, "Lord, save me!" Peter took chances. He didn't play it safe. He knew His Savior wasn't "safe." Jesus asked Peter to do a lot of things that didn't make sense. Yet Peter was willing to lose everything because of his love for Jesus. I want the same thing. I'm so tired of staying dry. I don't want my life to count for nothing. I don't want people thinking, "Wow, now Maria, she's a safe one. She doesn't rock the boat, she's quiet and doesn't take many chances." NO!!!

I want to get wet. If that is what it takes to pursue my Lord, then I'm ready. I want my children to see their parents so in love with Jesus that nothing else in life matters more. I can't live this "comfortable life" anymore. Who cares where I live? Who cares what I wear? If that is what I am making my life demonstrate then shame on me. I'm pursuing the wrong things in life. I know that I am pursuing a God who isn't "safe," He's calling me to get out of my comfort zone, to wake up to what He's doing around me and to get involved in other's lives.

I see so many others are waking up to this. This life isn't about us. We've molded Christianity to what makes us feel good and it is sickening. Jesus wants us to be more than this. Get out and get wet, it is so refreshing!

Ripped In Two

Wow, I don't think I've experienced this feeling ever. Aside from the tragedy of our miscarriage, nothing else has prepared us for this separation. Duane has left for business trips before but this separation is wrenching me apart.

We've been trying to finish some big projects around the house, but working 12-14 hour days can slow a body down. Countless trips to the hardware store and dust everywhere, we're feeling the affects. Each room in the house has absorbed the chaos of these past few weeks. Surprisingly, the girls have handled this all very well. There have been a few tears and arguments but they are doing quite well.

Duane left this morning to fly to our "new life." I've been crying for too long these past 2 days. My eyes hurt. I asked him how he was doing and he responded, "I'm really sad and a bit overwhelmed." I was doing OK this morning until he gave me a hug and then later I found him with tears streaming down his face. It is so hard this time because of what this signifies. Our lives are flipping upside down with this move. Everything we've know for the past five years, our house, our friendships, our church is going to change.

Not knowing when I will see him again makes it harder to say "goodbye." I was sobbing driving home from the airport and I heard Annie say, "You OK Momma?" Oh my heart hurts when I see my children looking at me with concern.

Duane starts his new job tomorrow morning with New Balance. It really has been a testimony to God's goodness. He shouldn't even be considered for this position without shoe designing experience, let alone be placed in the "Elite Running Group." God's favor is on this, on Duane. I'm so thankful to see Duane happy again and excited about what this job will bring.

For the past 2 1/2 years, Duane has had a horrible bout with IBS. We've seen several doctors, he's been on a few medications, we've changed his diet too, but it hasn't changed that much. We've spent so much time in prayer for him. At the beginning of his struggle, he'd lost 20 lbs in 2 months. Not quite the weight-loss plan he should be on.

Recently, Duane began to loose more weight. His cheeks are sunken in and his pants hang on his thin body. I can see all his ribs and can make out his entire pelvic bone! Fear began again in me, why was he wasting away again? He experienced quite a bit of back-lash at work and decided after we got the "official word" from New Balance that it was time to give his notice. It couldn't have been a better time. He struggled more those past 2 weeks with his IBS and we began to wonder and pray if the IBS was attributed to the stress at work.

Duane has had the past 2 weeks off and we've been working non-stop on the house and not once has he had an issue with his IBS! We believe that the majority of his issues with IBS these past few years have been stress induced and now we can pin-point a specific time they began. We've been so thankful for God's healing this past month.

Although my much better half is gone, I trust that the Lord is leading us through this. He never promised us that this transition would be easy and I know that He'll give us both strength to preserve.