Anticipation

Anticipation is the name of the game for us now...

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound. Like I have stated before, I am more anxious to know how far along I am and when our due date is than anything else. At times I feel like my belly is in the way, other times I struggle with really believing I am pregnant. It is the wonderful stage of the second trimester.

Duane and I decided that we will find out what the sex is but it doesn't go any further than that. No amount of pleading, crying or threats will make us break our commitment to this secret! It is a secret that I cannot even trust my own children to know. Well, maybe one of them could keep it but the other would crack very easily!

I did have my first pregnancy dream the other night. I gave birth to a 2 lb 5 oz little boy with a very mature face and spiked blond hair. The sad thing was since he was so little he had to stay in the hospital. The ones to take care of him and stay by his side were my grandpa and my mother. How appropriate. My grandfather was just in the hospital and my mother was with him quite a bit during that time.

But what does that say about me as a mother? Does this mean that this will be a "hands off" kind of birth? That I feel detached from my unborn baby? I have struggled with a lot of strange fears this time. The other night as I was waiting for Duane to come to bed, I began thinking how strange this time in the pregnancy is because I don't feel the baby move a whole lot. Then my fears turned to figuring out why I couldn't feel the baby move. My most rational idea was that he/she didn't have any feet or arms. I was completely convinced of this in just the few short minutes waiting for Duane that as he climbed into bed he could tell something was wrong. I started to cry as I admitted what I assumed to be truth about this little one inside of me. My husband has tremendous grace for me, he pulled me close and began to pray for me. All the while he is probably thinking, "Wow, we've got a live one here."

But with the anticipation and irrational fears comes peace.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:15-16

The Lord knows this baby. He knows this little one by name and He will reveal the name when it is time. He knows physically what this child will look like. In all our hopes and dreams we long for a healthy child, but even though that dream isn't fulfilled in every child, the child is still the Lord's. He loves them just as much as the healthy one.

The Lord knows my heart. He knows my fears and He alone is big enough to hold them. I know that my trust must lie in the One who gives life and in what He can do through this new life. It is in that anticipation that I desire my hope to rest in.